MOVIE REVIEWS: 06.02.10

LAWNMOWER MAN 
I thought that Lawnmower Man sounded like an innocent enough title, but holy dick titties was I ever wrong. This is director Brett Leonard's dark look at how early 90's virtual reality will destroy mankind. Pierce Brosnan stars as a brilliant scientist who has been developing the technology to create super monkeys for the U.S. Army. One day a super monkey escapes the lab in a fit of awesome monkey rage. The fugitive monkey makes a break for the nearest town where he just so happens to befriend Jobe, the retard lawnmower man. Of course, the government finds the monkey, shoots it, and Jobe gets all spastically sad for the loss of his little Robocop-looking monkey friend. The rest of the movie was kinda lackluster for me after that. I mean, Jeff Fahey pulling a full retard performance is great and all, but I wanted more Robo-Monkey and Retard Lawnmower Man tag team action. Maybe I should call whoever owns the rights to the Robocop franchise and pitch this shit. I can see it now – Robocop 4: Monkeys vs. Retards.

TP

PONYO
Okay, so you think Disney is bullshit or whatever, and for the most part, it is. But it terms of Hayao Miyazaki's animated film Ponyo, Disney is the tits in the frozen foods aisle — that is, hard as fuck. It's inspired by Hans Christian Andersen's fairy tale "The Little Mermaid,” which basically made it impossible for the little girl still inside me who was raised by Disney to not let out a few excited squeals during the opening credits. The story is about a young boy who befriends a goldfish named Ponyo who wants nothing more than to become a human so she can bust a chill on land with her homeboy. Typical to all of Miyazaki's work, the animation is all kinds of whimsical and tight, so the artwork alone makes it worth watching. I was, however, a little let down by the lack of mermaids (fuck you, I still have dreams about being one) because Ponyo looks more like a jelly fish with a child's head instead of half a woman with a fish tail, although I doubt that concern applies to anyone other than me and seven year old girls. Still, a great animated film, even if it is slightly lacking in the traditional mermaid department.

CH

PINATA: SURVIVAL ISLAND
I was convinced to order this movie on eBay for $1.25 plus $2.00 shipping at 2 am after an AMC Friday Night Fright Night showing of this gripping tale of computer generated, deserted island horror. Now, if I were to tell you that Jaime Pressly plays the buxom lead, what would you assume the “Rated R for strong violence/gore, language, some sexual content and drug use” implies? Heaving wet Pressly breastlies? Somehow she felt nudity to be an unsavory portrayal of her image…in a low budget horror movie about violent piñatas. I should probably have mentioned this unseemly omission at the end of this article, but if you really need to see her tits ASAP, there are other quicker and more efficient methods with all kinds of unforeseen goodies along the way. All boob issues aside, this movie hardly makes sense, but that doesn’t matter. None of this matters. I mean, a poorly digitized tiki monster springs forth from an ancient piñata on Cinco de Mayo and terrorizes some drunken fraternizing. Here, the DVD synopsis is much more tactful: “The testosterone is high and scheming is down and dirty to collect the most underwear before the finish line.” Basically, under no circumstances should you watch this movie with anything less than two mind-altering substances. Uppers, downers, swillers, thrillers… Whatever. Just don’t go into this movie expecting anything short of a porn production without any of the porn.

V