There are lots of reasons for you not to listen to a word I say. I am a college dropout. I have a monstrous drinking problem that has ravaged my good looks and ruined my already shitty personality. I can’t hold down a job or keep a girlfriend, and I’m always alienating everyone I come in contact with. So yeah, I’d understand if you disregarded everything I say. But you might want to consider the fact that I’m out there fucking up every single day. And if people learn from their mistakes, then I’m an expert at getting through the bullshit day-to-day, because despite the fact that I’m constantly ruining my life, I’m still here. So take my advice and learn from my mistakes. Because really, all this time that I’ve been out there fucking up – that was for you.

Grabbing people’s asses at parties never stops being funny. Ever. If you do it right you'll make sure that behind the guy's ass you’re grabbing is a girl he’s really into, that way as you walk off he turns around and assumes it was his crush who grabbed his tush and he feels like hot shit. And holy jesus will you ever laugh at the face he makes.

If you get pulled over by the cops, flip your radio over to the country station ASAP. I did this instinctively the other day and got off with just a warning even though I was going 25mph over the speed limit, didn't have my seatbelt on, and was higher than a hot air balloon. You don't need to make a big deal about it, and it's actually better if you even turn the volume down a bit. Subtle patriotism is what you're going for.

If you quit your job or school or whatever for complex/abstract reasons, you can’t tell that to anyone. Oh, you weren’t able to conform to the structured learning environment that is college? Snooze. Hey, I'm glad you left your job because while you were there it made you feel more like a robot than a person, but most people you'll tell that to won’t care; they're too busy judging you. So tell them that you needed to focus all your energy on becoming a professional basketball player or a reggae singer or something else that doesn’t make any sense. Trust me, everyone already thinks you’re a fuckup, so the best you can do at this point is be a loveable fuck up.

When the host of a party sprays you with a fire extinguisher, they are telling you that the party is over. You should not continue dancing or open just one more beer. You should get the fuck out of there immediately. They sprayed you with a fucking fire extinguisher. They're either going to call the cops or beat the shit out of you in the next two minutes. They literally could not have been any clearer on the matter.

Puff Daddy cures all hangovers. Instantly. Put on the song "Victory". Oh baby, it’s like medicine. And that one where he goes "Young black and famous/I got money hanging out the anus." How can that not make you happy with everything?

You really should meet and stay on good terms with a convenience store clerk, a prostitute, a serious drug dealer, a cop, a lawyer, and someone who owns a very big hammer. When you're in a situation where even your best friends can’t do anything to help you out, these people can.

Everything is more fun when done while naked. Try thinking of something that isn’t… Exactly.

If you have an argument with your friend when you’re both really drunk and the next day it seems really vague, don’t apologize or try to talk with them to figure out what had the two of you so pissed off. They probably don’t remember it very clearly either and feel just as awkward as you do. Just be really friendly to them and immediately start cracking jokes. Boom! Apprehension gone. This is why ya’ll are good friends, because you don’t let the little shit pull you apart.

Buy minors beer as often as you can. On general principle, it's the standup way to conduct yourself. The joy of coming out of a convenience store with a case of Keystone for a bunch of nervous teenagers you've never met before is a top-notch pleasure. It's right up there with the feeling you had drinking at a bar for the first time with your fake ID back when you were underage. Since those days are gone forever, this is pretty much all you've got left. Cherish it. And tax the shit out of them. Because, pshhh, it’s not like they know how much beer costs anyway.

People from our parents’ generation talk a lot about how in the 60's they rewrote the sexual rulebook, but they really didn't do shit. They just openly advertised all the people that everyone was fucking in the 50's anyway. What with Facebook and emails and texts messages, it's a whole new sexual world in which we live, and so it’s up to us to write the new rulebook. Thus, that old taking three days to call rule is pretty much bullshit now. If you have sex with someone, or hell, even if you just want to have sex with someone, send them a funny text or a link to something fucked up the day after your roll in the sheets or whatever. Life moves too fast now for anyone to be waiting around three days for you to call with a sheepish invite to a party that isn't going to turn out anyway. You don't wanna come off as needy and it will take some practice to perfect, but if you're in their head, make sure that you stay there if you want anything to come of it later.

Funny pretty much trumps everything when it comes to people you’re trying to have sex with. Step it up on the jokes as often as they're working for you. That said, if you're having an off day, don't try to pull out of it with some sort of comedic tornado. If you do you are going to come off as a coke addict. Coke freak is definitely not something you should ever go for in any sort of social situation, even if you’re doing coke.

When you wake up in a strange place with people you only kinda know and you don’t remember much of the night before, just assume it was awesome and move along. You'll give yourself impotence worrying about what the fuck you did in the three-hour span that’s missing. And really, do you actually want to know? Let it go.