That said, this fucking A-Team remake really bothers me. And, you know, it’s not because I loved The A-Team when I was a kid. Jesus, I wasn’t even alive for most of when that show was on TV, and all I know about Mr. T I learned from Rocky III, AT&T commercials, and TV Carnage. But I’ve seen the show a few times… Or maybe I haven’t. Now that I think of it, I can’t remember ever watching even one episode. But that’s fine. The A-Team is one of those things that slipped entirely into the national consciousness (like Superman or eating apple pie), and so even if I haven’t experienced it, I have a fairly good idea what it’s all about.

Which is why I know that an A-Team movie is a more retarded idea than casting Rosie O’Donnell in a movie about a retarded person.

Here’s why: The point of The A-Team was that they were a team of soldiers convicted of a crime they didn’t commit (or, ughh, what the fuck ever) who escape, and then live their lives as mercenaries for hire, solving crimes and getting weirdos out of jams. Basically, the show consisted of them blowing up bad guys while getting to the bottom of pointless mysteries. So yeah, it’s a worse version of Scooby Doo that isn’t as funny. Which makes sense, because Mr. T is a dead-ringer for Scrappy Doo.

ANYWAY, my point is that the show was all about them facing a new problem every week. Umm, that’s impossible to do in a movie, and so the movie version can’t be The A-Team. All the movie is going to be is four dudes exploding trucks while they try to clear their names. And that’s a fine premise for an action movie. But it is also every action movie, so why not just stick four guys together, have them blow shit up for two hours, and call it something else? Some producer paid literally millions of dollars for the rights to The A-Team, and he can’t do jack-shit with what he paid for. For the record, that producer needs to get his dick out of the peanut butter, because he’s fucking nuts.

My problem isn’t that they’re making a mockery of a classic TV show or anything like that, because come the fuck on, it’s The A-Team. It’s just that if they’re going to remake a show about a squadron of renegades helping out a revolving door of clients, the A-Team should be going on multiple unrelated and entirely disconnected adventures in the movie.

Which is why if they really wanted to do The A-Team right, they would have hired Jim Jarmusch to direct it.

Stick with me. I know that giving the indie auteur of Down By Law, Ghostdog, Coffee and Cigarettes, and Broken Flowers $100 million dollars to rehash a little-loved 80s action sitcom sounds ridiculous (right now you might be wondering where my dick is in relation to the peanut butter), but it’s not as absurd as it sounds. If nothing else, Jarmusch is famous for making movies out of largely absurd, almost entirely detached vignettes that treasure weirdness and mystery above making any sense. And when I honestly think about that description, it sounds a whole hell of a lot like The A-Team.

Sure, Jarmusch would be an odd choice, but so the fuck what? The only people who are going to see an A-Team movie anyway are drunken dads who like to pretend that the early 1980s were the best time in American history because their current lives are fucking wretched. Them, and dumb college freshman that haven’t yet figured out what to properly do with their time when they’re really stoned. Do you think either of those groups care about quality? Or know who the fuck Jim Jarmusch is. On both fronts, that’s a big ole nope. So, since Hollywood will probably make their money back anyway regardless of how the movie turns out, they might as well make it interesting. And they might as well do the retarded premise of the show some justice by making it incomprehensible, tonally cold, and weirdly satisfying even though it’s about absolutely nothing.

So yeah, fuck the actual A-Team movie. While the rest of America throws away $12 on that piece of shit, I’ll be sitting quietly for two hours, imagining something infinitely cooler.